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Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
They got Raph!
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds