if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
You Might Also Like
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE