octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
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I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.