Cartman: Respect my
a a
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Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …