Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
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Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Nice try, poison.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.