[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
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Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.