[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
You Might Also Like
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant