4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
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[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
the saddest jazz hands ever
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.