Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
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I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Did my cat write this
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.