That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
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Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
And now we wait
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET