me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
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[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.