Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
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when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Something Saturday.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!