Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
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*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
And then there were 4
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Me trying to “trust the process”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…