nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
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9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.