Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
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I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Happy weekend !
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
*has no idea what a book even is*
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.