[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
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Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.