I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
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Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick