[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
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The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.