Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
You Might Also Like
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Challenge accepted.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.