Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
kids play hide and seek like
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out