The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
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#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
wut hotdog?
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
If only.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.