My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
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As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
This can never not be funny 😭😭
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.