[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
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me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.