Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
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Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Home #decor warning.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking