feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
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Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance