*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
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me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Everything reminds me of my ex
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
My what?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes