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I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
inside you are two wolves
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Succinctly put.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife