Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
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Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich