Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
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My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.