Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
You Might Also Like
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I am HOWLING at this
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground