godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
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“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I’m calling the cops.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.