You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
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Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Mornin. * use accordingly