me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
You Might Also Like
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
U talkin 2 me?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*