NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
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[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.