cat faces on other animals, a thread
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As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.