How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
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the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
No Google it does not
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.