All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
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I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.