My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
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A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
no one likes gloating
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.