*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
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“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Always…
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
*skinny dips into black hole
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
new career option?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids