My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
DOOO EEEET
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.