Buying a well is money well spent.
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’