rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
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having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.