In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
You Might Also Like
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
mumsnet is amazing
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA