PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
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Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.