me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
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Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
The Compass
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*