Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
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don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Never ghost your hitman.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?