“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
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I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before