my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
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*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Me irl
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse