me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
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There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!