8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
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hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet